Wednesday, October 8, 2008

An Open Letter To Senator McCain

October 8, 2008

Dear Senator McCain,

I'm very, very hungry and it is your fault. I blame you for the rumbling in my belly, the roar coming from my GI tract, and the dry smacking of my starving lips. My lack of eating a consistently healthy dinner EVERY night is YOUR fault, sir. Let me provide a bit of background information to help you completely understand what you have done to me!

A year ago, my upstairs neighbor got hammered, decided it was time to try his hands at the latest Iron Chef recipes, fell asleep, and burned his apartment to shit. Unfortunately, my kitchen and dining room suffered the brunt of the fireman's hose and my kitchen was out of commission from October to February. (That's a whole other blog at another time when I don't feel as if I might stroke out!) Not having a kitchen makes it hard to feed one's self from home. The BoyFriend and Dano stepped up to the plate and really took over in the kitchen area. The Domestic Goddess retired. I became spoiled. Dinner at Dano's a couple of times a week. The Boyfriend would cook on the weekends. I didn't have to do anything! I became their DIVA Creation!

Then all of a sudden the election year kind of sneaked up on us. Dano, being the good Young Democrat and politico that he is, puts his nose to the grind stone for the WV Democratic Delegation and all Democratic Re-election campaigns. He's good at what he does. However, it keeps him in the office until almost 10pm, sometimes midnight, 6 nights a week! Now how the hell is a girl suppose to get fed when her personal chef is at the office until the wee hours of the night?! She doesn't! She either eats shit that is bad for her on the run, drinks a ton of water, or just goes to bed, anxiously awaiting Friday when The BoyFriend will throw together something spectacular! (I'll blog the BoyFriend some other day.)

I am a good Democrat. I support your opponents because I think they speak to me and my values, wants, needs, and desires much more so than you and that Tinky "Winky" Teletubby that you have running with you. (By the by, shame on you for thinking that most American women are stupid enough to vote for you based on your Veep pick. We aren't falling for that with deaf ears.) Needless to say, the Dems have my vote.

Here is where you could help my rapidly shrinking waist line. Just concede and let Obama win. We all know he is going to. Walk away from the office. The sooner the election is over, the sooner I can have my Dano back in the kitchen. I really, really need him back in the kitchen. I miss the eggplant dish, and I miss the hybrid noodle curry dish, and I really miss having every meal that he prepares do this to me. Please, please, please Senator McCain, put an end to this madness, so that we may all experience the Lazy Man's Supper again! I, no we, need our Dano back in the kitchen. Ask not what you can do for your country; ask what you can do for my belly!

I thank you very much,
I'm The Chez

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