Thursday, May 7, 2009

Thank God That's Over Thursday!

Shortly after I broke up with the cheating, lying, long term, college boyfriend of 3 years my friends pressured me incessantly to get back out in the dating scene again. The idea was mortifying to say the least. I had just literally had my heart ripped out, tossed to the curb, jumped on, and the bastard then did a perfect tango all over it. In short, my whole being had been turned upside down and I had to figure out which way was up. It took a while. It took a very long while.

Eventually, I agreed as a favor to a friend to a blind date with an acquaintance of hers. The karma scale was way out of wack on this particular Saturday because there is nothing that I could have done in my past that deserved what was a head of me in my future. To this day, I question whether or not my 'friend' was pissed at me, teaching me a lesson of some sort, or her opinion of me is such shit that she would set me up with the most perverted, disgusting, lecherous, disgusting tub of dude that I have ever met.

My first mistake was agreeing to go. My second mistake was letting him pick me up at my apartment rather than meet him at the movie theater. This left me without a car or an easy escape vehicle AND it allowed him to know where I lived. HUGE MISTAKE!

We went to see The Green Mile; one of the world's longest movies ever made. I know this because for 188 minutes plus 8 minutes of previews I was ducking, dodging, slapping away the groping hands and the equivalent to a slobbering muzzle of a Saint Bernard. This foul assed man (he was ugly too) despite a completely full movie theater and having literally just met proceeded to attempt to tongue rape my neck and tie my tits up like he was making balloon animals. I was pissed off. I mean PISSED OFF.

I turned to the lady beside me who had been witnessing all of this nonsense. She gave me a pitying smile and gave my hand a squeeze. I then apologized for what was about to happen, turned towards my date and proceeded to grab this fuck wad by the man shaft and squeeze. I then spit into his ear, "Do not ever touch me again you fuck! I'm going to let go, you are going to quit crying, we are going to walk to the car, you will take me home. You will not utter one fucking word on the way there. You will never call me again, and if you are smart you will forget where I live. Is this clear?" He painfully moaned an affirmative. We left the movie with 20 minutes left. I didn't care. To this day I cannot stomach The Green Mile. I heard it is wonderful; I wouldn't know.

Thankfully, numb nuts did exactly what was demanded of him... until we pulled up to the apartment. The Groping Goober proceeded to say, "So... sorry about all of the stuff back there. Why don't you let me make it up to you...I'll come on up stairs and ..." Insert guido wink and shoulder shrug from douche bag. Hysterical fits of laughter erupted from my being. Shaking my head, I pointed to his crotch, "Darlin' I know what you are working with. Remember what happened in the theater? Fuck off."

I exited the car, shut the door, walked upstairs, made a few phone calls, met up with the friends, and laughed at this poor schmuck for the remainder of the evening.

Thank God That's Over!!!!

On a side note, two years later I ran into my very good friend out at a local bar. She was alone. I asked her what she was doing out alone. She stated that she was waiting on a date. I hadn't realized that she had started seeing anybody. She said that she had met this individual on the Internet. Mind you this was 2001 and Internet dating was still a bit taboo. She said, "I still think about your God awful blind date. I won't make the same mistake that you did and not have my car with me!" In walks her date. I said, "You won't make the same mistake I did, will ya? Wanna bet? You just did." The expression on everyone's face was priceless. When he noticed me and assumed who she was he immediately turned around and walked out the way he had walked in. My friend ordered a round of tequila shots, died laughing, high fived me, and settled in for a night of yet again laughing at the douche bag!

One thing is for sure, that poor guy has provided me with years of laughs at his expense.

Now I want to know...

What is the worst date that you ever went on in your life?


Melissa said...

Wow--my worst date is very tame in comparison, but granted, I was at BYU! Still, if Mrs. Doubtfire is a funny movie, I wouldn't know. I hate that movie because of this date!

In a nutshell--he also picked me up (HUGE mistake), we went to dinner, the conversation was horrible--lots of pitying me for being an only child (which pissed me off) and I remember he asked me if I wore make-up. Just kind of weird and off-putting. Then we went to the movie but he got the time wrong to so we had two hours to kill. We went to whatever the Best Buy equivilent was and spent hours going through music--"I like this, do you?" "No." "I like this, do you?" "No." It was painful. I finally told him that I didn't think I could make the movie because it was getting late and I had to go to church early the next day. He just stared at me and said, "It's Friday." DOH!!!!!!

So, we went to the movie and everytime there was a funny part, he would totally invade my personal space and laugh really loud at the side of my face. oooooooo, I hate that movie. He tried to hold my hand, which I artfully dodged. That was as fresh as he got. When we got back to my place, he started to get out of the car to walk me to my door but I quickly said thanks but don't bother and bolted. I avoided calls for the next couple of weeks, like the mature 19 year old I was, and that was it.

Like I said, very tame, but reeeally annoying. I got teased for the "I have church tomorrow" comment by my roommates for years.

Heather McChesney said...

Just when you think you have the perfect line (story) made up, you get your days of the week confused! That sucks!

My second worst date was in high school. Yet again another blind date. My friends hate me apparently. This one was with a younger, slightly retarded stutterer. We went to the Circus. He would write letters to me once a week for a month or two. They read like grade school notes. Needless to say, I have never been back to the Circus. I do however, have a certain affinity for speech impediments though. Hmmmmm?

Bethie said...

I'll have to get back to you on this one. I never did go on many actual dates per se.

spinster girl said...

Chez, I think you are my new hero.