If I wasn't going to hell before, I might definitely have a reservation now.
I'm driving home from work today. As always, I listen to the rerun of the morning's
The Howard Stern Show. Today's guest was Steven Guttenberg (Police
Academy, Cocoon, and most recently Dancing With the Stars). Howard
tells him that he knows one of his ex-girlfriends, and according to her,
Steven can do some pretty amazing things in the bedroom. Having the
juvenile sense of humor that I do, I mean come on shit and fart jokes
are the best, my ears perk up and my attention has been caught. SG
gets a bit embarrassed and tells HS that it really isn't what he
knows/does, but that he was blessed with some really, really good
genes as have all Guttenbergs that have come before him.
I'm like...really? I mean really? I'm suppose to believe that SG is
packing some major heat?!
I really should have been paying more attention to driving, my
surroundings, and what was going on around me. I am going through
driving motions at this point. My car is getting me home. I'm now
invested in this conversation.
SG admits to having a 10 inch penis when erect!
I'm also now aware of the fact that I am behind a bikers' brigade on
Kanawha Blvd and they are driving sooooo damn slowly I can hardly
handle it, but...
SG then admits that he quite the man in the girth arena as well.
I ignore the bikers. Back to penis talk. This conversation was going
Then I notice that there is a cop in front of the bikers. What the
hell are the bikers doing a poker run in the middle of the day? And
why would a cop be leading them?
SG has a 10 inch penis! No way!
I half ass look in the rear view mirror...I see a litany of cars with
their lights on with little flags on the top of them.
WHILE LISTENING TO SG AND HW TALKING ABOUT SG PACKING THE MAN MUSCLE,
I HAVE MANAGED TO INADVERTENTLY BECOME THE SECOND IN COMMAND IN A
FUNERAL PROCESSION FOR A FALLEN BIKER!!!!!!
Not knowing how to completely and tactfully get out of said situation,
I had to run EVERY red light on the blvd AND make the turn onto
Greenbrier Street with the procession. I think quickly, said a small
prayer to Jeebus above asking for forgiveness, and did a hail Mary turn
on to Quarrier to get home. I think they all saw me! In fact, I know
If only they knew that SG was packing a 10 inch penis!